الثلاثاء، 4 يناير 2011

Melissa Etheridge wants to Jump off the Building for Love, People! Melissa Etheridge wants a fearless love. A love/r VOID of fear. A love/r whose love is void of fear. A love/r who is not held back/down by fear. That might be nice. But is it possible for a person to be fearless? I realize that she is writing about a "fearless love" on many levels and reaching out to many of her past and present narratives; however, I'm bothered (or just curious) when I consider the idea of a fearless love. Is she saying "fearless love" but really meaning (perhaps unconsciously) a "perfect love?" I can only assume that the song, in some way, speaks to the needs that weren't being met in Melissa during her relationship with Tammy. Inner needs in Melissa that probably have little to do with Tammy and much to do with Melissa. I also assume the song comes from long-standing issues in Melissa that surfaced during her relationship with Tammy: of course they would - when people are together for long periods of time, they evolve and change and doubt and question. At the beginning of a relationship, we may feel as though we have some how transformed all of our old issues and become healed. And, to some extent, that is true. Healthy relationships DO heal us. But, what can also happen is that, we may have unreal expectations for that relationship. A relationship is a journey over uncharted territory (unless you are dating your sister...), it's gonna be bumpy sometimes. Sometimes you're gonna get sick and puke over the deck. Lots of crazy things can happen. Two people who are trying to know themselves are also trying to know each other - and that's not even counting all of the external factors and influences that emerge along the way (like kids who drain us of our milk and hormones and energy OR like new outsiders who are looking for a mate and who somehow tempt us by making us feel like that have something that we need/that would save us/that would heal us from the wounds of childhood). Dealing with the chemicals inside ourselves is enough alone to rock the boat; just imagine all of the wonders and opportunities for mayhem, discovery and disorder there are as we move through the many layers beyond our deepest cores. Every day we each create or recreate or add to the ongoing narrative we have of our self. The narratives interfere with out ability to JUST BE. We might even start to believe that just BEING takes work. We want to survive, but often forget that if we have been afforded that luxury (survival) then we can just BE. Oh, where was I going with this? Back to my the narrative within my narrative! Is Melissa Etheridge referring to herself, alone: that she wants herself to be fearless in love? Does she think that in her relationship with Tammy she was unable to be fearless? Why was a fearless love not possible with Tammy? It sounds to me like Melissa wrote this song as a justification for getting out of the relationship. Yes, I AM nosy and speculative. I am applying my own experiences/narratives to their individual ones. I feel like I can relate to the way in which Melissa was thinking...our minds our powerful and we can justify just about any lie we tell ourselves in order to fulfill our selfish desires and ambitions (in order to fulfill the impossible version of our stories of ourselves). So maybe being a "seeker" isn't as enchanting as I have always found the concept to be: if we are always seeking, we are never finding. If we find something, we must continue seeking regardless. There will always be more to discover. Are we all seekers? Is that enlightenment? Or is enlightenment being in the present moment without any wish to seek and find. Is the next word I type as meaningless as the first? Am I defeating my point by trying to have a point, in the first place? Is it all circular and repetitive so that all thoughts I might possibly express lead into one another once again? This is where I go when I start thinking about Melissa Etheridge's song, "Fearless Love." When I was in high school, I would have really enjoyed a fearless love...to a point. If it were enacted, a love without caution would have meant a lot of suffering. Fearless love requires a lot of resources (financial and otherwise). If Ms. Grumbkow, my high school English teacher, and I just said, "Fuck the world and society's rules," and just jumped in the car and drove off into the sunset...uh, it would not have been good. For one, neither of us would have a job with which we could support our fearless love. She couldn't have just left her house and job behind, unless she didn't mind leaving hundreds of people with the responsibility of "wrapping it up (her former LIFE)" for her. If I left, I would have been heartsick, eventually, for my family and they would have missed me. Oh, and that other tiny detail - the police would have been out looking for Grumbkow so they could throw her in The Pen for being with an underage girl (my momma would have pulled out allllll the stops of that one!). Although I did not enjoy some of the aspects of Ms. Grumbkow's fears, caution and fear did do us SOME good. If we really wanted to be together freely, then we would have had to abide by some of the rules and work the system and proceed with a bit of caution. That would have been being SMART, I might add. But then, when I think about the fact that fear is the reason that Ms. Portia (surely a mixture of Ennea-types five and four) Grumbkow threw away every single thing I ever gave her (all of my precious writing...eek) and cut me off from her life (almost with a restraining order in her hand after I wrote ONE card to her in six years), I start to value the fearless a little more. TOO much fear is a very, verrrry bad thing. Melissa should remember that fearless love is not necessarily love free from consequence and pain. But she should also consider, which I am sure she has, that fearful love is often debilitating and wounding. I think Melissa might want to reconsider her lyrics - maybe a "brave love" would be more apropos. Or, maybe she really just wants to throw caution to the wind and live fearlessly. I'm not fearless (Gawwwd, not by a mile in the Twilight Zone). But I try to be brave. I think that being brave is much more laudible than being fearless. A fearless person might be missing a few important parts in their brain. Like those teenage guys who jump into fire or off of tall buildings for entertainment. NOT the best way to ensure survival. Fearlessness is a quality that many adolescents possess (I know 'cause I was one of them, on my way to pick up underwear that a man on the internet sent to my college mailbox, yeahhhhh). Fearlessness, the way of the teenybopper (did someone create that phrase in reference to teeny brains?), is not always best. Teenage brains are fearless - they are not developed fully. I, unlike Melissa Etheridge, want a BALANCED love at this point in my life. I hope I always want that. Melissa is on her own journey. She has been through something I have not been through: cancer. I have been through something she has not been through, directly: pregnancy and birth. More than our experiences shape us, our childhoods shape us and our narratives shape us (our egos!!!). Now maybe it is just hormones that are making me so wise and Melissa so gosh darn fearless...but I'll try to hold off on talking too much about what the whore moans (Sandy's joke!) do to me. When Sandy and I first started loving each other, neither of us was without fear. I was pretty fearless when is came to all things related to expressions of our love and lust. I was fueled with the adolescent fires within (ahem, hormones). I was willing to be totally honest with my family and the rest of the world about our love (AND our age difference) out of a desire for and principle of honesty (I may just be a puritanical hypocrite "One" after all...). I was willing to move out of my parents house and in her house, despite the bullying tactics used by my parents to make me change my mind (ah, not gonna happen, folks!). I was willing to be fully engaged and enmeshed with her. I was willing to move halfway across the country with her. I was willing. I was willing. I was a Willing Love. Sandy was not fearless, but she was very brave. She was brave enough to take my hand and join me in my honesty. She was brave enough to try to open her heart up to my family even though they rejected her initially. She was brave enough to marry me and share her love for me with the world (in the photo and article about our marriage that was featured in 2005 on the front page of the Buffalo News). I wasn't always fearless. I was jealous for a couple of years. That is a form of fear. I tortured both of us with crazy, unwarranted jealousy (due to my insecurities and not-yet-done inner work and my strange ideals and my need for pain). I was fearful of her ability to hurt me and I was fearful of myself (my ability to hurt her). My fears were problematic, but -lucky for me- I had a partner who was committed enough and wise enough to ride through some of the tough transitions with me (Thank Universes!!!). Sandy was fearful about some things - she did not always like some of my public expressions of love because of her own issues with personal vulnerability), but I have -over time- become more understanding and less judgmental of her fears. We have tried, in our best way, to love each other through the fears (to understand the fears and not sit in judgment or personalize them). Sandy was brave enough to risk the hurt of being hurt/left by me. She loved me enough to love me through any rejection or hardship that either of us might experience because of our free love. She had sense when I was overcome by emotion, and, now, as I have become more sensible, I am able to do the same for her. I modeled free, fearless love and she modeled bravery. And now I try to also model bravery by being aware of my fears, and then facing them. So, I'm not quite sure what Melissa Etheridge meant when she wrote about a fearless love (because, to me, a fearless love sounds like an irrational love in which responsibility and survival are not compatible), but I think I have an idea. I think she meant that she does not want to be tied down by fear in an unhealthy way. Unlike her, I don't believe I AM what I am afraid of...although I do believe if we do not at least try to face our fears than we can become sick because of them. My fears are NOT me. My fearlessness is not me. My narrative is not me. I am not me. But if I AM me, then I am BEING - just being. I am here, I am an energy, I am life. Just like the life forms reading this, and just like the life forms lying in my bedroom waiting for me to join them and create a beautiful, quiet circle of being. Goodnight, to all my fearful and fearless fellow beings. Fearless Love, by Melissa Etheridge: When I woke up I was 17 You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream Showed me things aren’t what they appear to be Called me angel and set me free You gave me life in the cold cold dark But you ran away in the mornings spark Made me think that reality Is not where I want to be I am what I am and I am what I am afraid of Oh what am I afraid of I need a fearless love Don’t need to fear the end If you can’t hold me now You will never hold me again I want to live my life Pursuing all my happiness I want a fearless love I won’t settle for anything less I’ve walked my path had worlds collide I lost my way and I fooled my pride This lover’s ache wouldn’t feel so strange If I could only change But I am what I am and I am what I am afraid of So what am I afraid of I need a fearless love Don’t need to fear the end If you can’t hold me now You will never hold me again I want to live my life Pursuing all my happiness I want a fearless love I won’t settle for anything less Now I’m not here to lay the blame I understand when you hold a flame Heads will shake heads will turn And sometimes you just get burned

Melissa Etheridge wants a fearless love. A love/r VOID of fear. A love/r whose love is void of fear. A love/r who is not held back/down by fear.

That might be nice. But is it possible for a person to be fearless? I realize that she is writing about a "fearless love" on many levels and reaching out to many of her past and present narratives; however, I'm bothered (or just curious) when I consider the idea of a fearless love. Is she saying "fearless love" but really meaning (perhaps unconsciously) a "perfect love?" I can only assume that the song, in some way, speaks to the needs that weren't being met in Melissa during her relationship with Tammy. Inner needs in Melissa that probably have little to do with Tammy and much to do with Melissa. I also assume the song comes from long-standing issues in Melissa that surfaced during her relationship with Tammy: of course they would - when people are together for long periods of time, they evolve and change and doubt and question.

At the beginning of a relationship, we may feel as though we have some how transformed all of our old issues and become healed. And, to some extent, that is true. Healthy relationships DO heal us. But, what can also happen is that, we may have unreal expectations for that relationship. A relationship is a journey over uncharted territory (unless you are dating your sister...), it's gonna be bumpy sometimes. Sometimes you're gonna get sick and puke over the deck. Lots of crazy things can happen. Two people who are trying to know themselves are also trying to know each other - and that's not even counting all of the external factors and influences that emerge along the way (like kids who drain us of our milk and hormones and energy OR like new outsiders who are looking for a mate and who somehow tempt us by making us feel like that have something that we need/that would save us/that would heal us from the wounds of childhood). Dealing with the chemicals inside ourselves is enough alone to rock the boat; just imagine all of the wonders and opportunities for mayhem, discovery and disorder there are as we move through the many layers beyond our deepest cores. Every day we each create or recreate or add to the ongoing narrative we have of our self. The narratives interfere with out ability to JUST BE. We might even start to believe that just BEING takes work. We want to survive, but often forget that if we have been afforded that luxury (survival) then we can just BE. Oh, where was I going with this? Back to my the narrative within my narrative!

Is Melissa Etheridge referring to herself, alone: that she wants herself to be fearless in love? Does she think that in her relationship with Tammy she was unable to be fearless? Why was a fearless love not possible with Tammy? It sounds to me like Melissa wrote this song as a justification for getting out of the relationship. Yes, I AM nosy and speculative. I am applying my own experiences/narratives to their individual ones. I feel like I can relate to the way in which Melissa was thinking...our minds our powerful and we can justify just about any lie we tell ourselves in order to fulfill our selfish desires and ambitions (in order to fulfill the impossible version of our stories of ourselves). So maybe being a "seeker" isn't as enchanting as I have always found the concept to be: if we are always seeking, we are never finding. If we find something, we must continue seeking regardless. There will always be more to discover. Are we all seekers? Is that enlightenment? Or is enlightenment being in the present moment without any wish to seek and find. Is the next word I type as meaningless as the first? Am I defeating my point by trying to have a point, in the first place? Is it all circular and repetitive so that all thoughts I might possibly express lead into one another once again? This is where I go when I start thinking about Melissa Etheridge's song, "Fearless Love."

When I was in high school, I would have really enjoyed a fearless love...to a point. If it were enacted, a love without caution would have meant a lot of suffering. Fearless love requires a lot of resources (financial and otherwise). If Ms. Grumbkow, my high school English teacher, and I just said, "Fuck the world and society's rules," and just jumped in the car and drove off into the sunset...uh, it would not have been good. For one, neither of us would have a job with which we could support our fearless love. She couldn't have just left her house and job behind, unless she didn't mind leaving hundreds of people with the responsibility of "wrapping it up (her former LIFE)" for her. If I left, I would have been heartsick, eventually, for my family and they would have missed me. Oh, and that other tiny detail - the police would have been out looking for Grumbkow so they could throw her in The Pen for being with an underage girl (my momma would have pulled out allllll the stops of that one!). Although I did not enjoy some of the aspects of Ms. Grumbkow's fears, caution and fear did do us SOME good. If we really wanted to be together freely, then we would have had to abide by some of the rules and work the system and proceed with a bit of caution. That would have been being SMART, I might add. But then, when I think about the fact that fear is the reason that Ms. Portia (surely a mixture of Ennea-types five and four) Grumbkow threw away every single thing I ever gave her (all of my precious writing...eek) and cut me off from her life (almost with a restraining order in her hand after I wrote ONE card to her in six years), I start to value the fearless a little more. TOO much fear is a very, verrrry bad thing.

Melissa should remember that fearless love is not necessarily love free from consequence and pain. But she should also consider, which I am sure she has, that fearful love is often debilitating and wounding. I think Melissa might want to reconsider her lyrics - maybe a "brave love" would be more apropos. Or, maybe she really just wants to throw caution to the wind and live fearlessly. I'm not fearless (Gawwwd, not by a mile in the Twilight Zone). But I try to be brave. I think that being brave is much more laudible than being fearless. A fearless person might be missing a few important parts in their brain. Like those teenage guys who jump into fire or off of tall buildings for entertainment. NOT the best way to ensure survival. Fearlessness is a quality that many adolescents possess (I know 'cause I was one of them, on my way to pick up underwear that a man on the internet sent to my college mailbox, yeahhhhh). Fearlessness, the way of the teenybopper (did someone create that phrase in reference to teeny brains?), is not always best. Teenage brains are fearless - they are not developed fully. I, unlike Melissa Etheridge, want a BALANCED love at this point in my life. I hope I always want that. Melissa is on her own journey. She has been through something I have not been through: cancer. I have been through something she has not been through, directly: pregnancy and birth. More than our experiences shape us, our childhoods shape us and our narratives shape us (our egos!!!). Now maybe it is just hormones that are making me so wise and Melissa so gosh darn fearless...but I'll try to hold off on talking too much about what the whore moans (Sandy's joke!) do to me.

When Sandy and I first started loving each other, neither of us was without fear. I was pretty fearless when is came to all things related to expressions of our love and lust. I was fueled with the adolescent fires within (ahem, hormones). I was willing to be totally honest with my family and the rest of the world about our love (AND our age difference) out of a desire for and principle of honesty (I may just be a puritanical hypocrite "One" after all...). I was willing to move out of my parents house and in her house, despite the bullying tactics used by my parents to make me change my mind (ah, not gonna happen, folks!). I was willing to be fully engaged and enmeshed with her. I was willing to move halfway across the country with her. I was willing. I was willing. I was a Willing Love.

Sandy was not fearless, but she was very brave. She was brave enough to take my hand and join me in my honesty. She was brave enough to try to open her heart up to my family even though they rejected her initially. She was brave enough to marry me and share her love for me with the world (in the photo and article about our marriage that was featured in 2005 on the front page of the Buffalo News). I wasn't always fearless. I was jealous for a couple of years. That is a form of fear. I tortured both of us with crazy, unwarranted jealousy (due to my insecurities and not-yet-done inner work and my strange ideals and my need for pain). I was fearful of her ability to hurt me and I was fearful of myself (my ability to hurt her). My fears were problematic, but -lucky for me- I had a partner who was committed enough and wise enough to ride through some of the tough transitions with me (Thank Universes!!!). Sandy was fearful about some things - she did not always like some of my public expressions of love because of her own issues with personal vulnerability), but I have -over time- become more understanding and less judgmental of her fears. We have tried, in our best way, to love each other through the fears (to understand the fears and not sit in judgment or personalize them). Sandy was brave enough to risk the hurt of being hurt/left by me. She loved me enough to love me through any rejection or hardship that either of us might experience because of our free love. She had sense when I was overcome by emotion, and, now, as I have become more sensible, I am able to do the same for her. I modeled free, fearless love and she modeled bravery. And now I try to also model bravery by being aware of my fears, and then facing them.

 So, I'm not quite sure what Melissa Etheridge meant when she wrote about a fearless love (because, to me, a fearless love sounds like an irrational love in which responsibility and survival are not compatible), but I think I have an idea. I think she meant that she does not want to be tied down by fear in an unhealthy way.

Unlike her, I don't believe I AM what I am afraid of...although I do believe if we do not at least try to face our fears than we can become sick because of them. My fears are NOT me. My fearlessness is not me. My narrative is not me. I am not me. But if I AM me, then I am BEING - just being. I am here, I am an energy, I am life. Just like the life forms reading this, and just like the life forms lying in my bedroom waiting for me to join them and create a beautiful, quiet circle of being. Goodnight, to all my fearful and fearless fellow beings.




Fearless Love, by Melissa Etheridge:

When I woke up I was 17
You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream
Showed me things aren’t what they appear to be
Called me angel and set me free
You gave me life in the cold cold dark
But you ran away in the mornings spark
Made me think that reality
Is not where I want to be

I am what I am and
I am what I am afraid of
Oh what am I afraid of
I need a fearless love
Don’t need to fear the end
If you can’t hold me now
You will never hold me again
I want to live my life
Pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won’t settle for anything less

I’ve walked my path had worlds collide
I lost my way and I fooled my pride
This lover’s ache wouldn’t feel so strange
If I could only change

But I am what I am and
I am what I am afraid of
So what am I afraid of
I need a fearless love
Don’t need to fear the end
If you can’t hold me now
You will never hold me again
I want to live my life
Pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won’t settle for anything less

Now I’m not here to lay the blame
I understand when you hold a flame
Heads will shake heads will turn
And sometimes you just get burned

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